Saving the Planet from Mortgage Death

A BRILLIANT SERIES OF SOLUTIONS TO THE WHOLE SUB-PRIME MESS (NO REALLY)

As anyone with eyeballs knows, the whole "subprime" mortgage mess is causing the entire US economy to collapse into the heap of worthless paper it was made out of. The problem is quite simple. Mortgage companies were taking vast sums of cash, and loaning it to people like your brother in law. These loans, were used to buy over priced houses. And, like your brother in law, the borrowers suddenly found they were in way over their heads because they either a) didn't read the terms of the mortgage, or b) lied about their income to get the loan, or c) are stupider than a turnip. My bet is c. Most Americans are incredibly stupid. Witness the popularity of Jerry Springer, and the re-election of George W Bush.


One of the results of this mess is a sudden glut in housing. Some areas are reporting that they have so many houses available, that they are actually using them as wildlife preserves.


Never fear! Paul the Cab Driver to the rescue! The solution to any glut is to increase demand and decrease the supply. so here is my proposal.

First, in order to increase demand we need more people who need houses here in the good old USA. To that end, I suggest that we immediately open the borders to anyone who wants to cross and get a job. The influx of people will immediately create a demand for houses, helping to sponge up the excess supply. Changing the immigration laws to make it incredibly easy to become a citizen would really help in this. Personally, I think it should be a lot easier to become a citizen than it is to become a borrower. In fact, people should be able to play as fast and loose with the truth on their citizenship applications as they were allowed to on their mortgage applications.


But we can also decrease the supply of houses. In this regard, Mother Nature can be a big help. Every spring we turn on the TV set and see these entire trailer parks that are blown to smithereens by tornadoes. And every spring we see Ma Barker live on TV crying about how everything she and her family owned is now scattered across the prairie. Well, not to worry! We simply let her take her insurance check (which the government is probably giving her anyway) and move her to Florida to take over some bankrupt property there. Then, in the summer when Ma Barker's new homestead is flattened by a hurricane, we move her to another foreclosure property in California just in time for the late fall fires, and early spring mud slides! Ma Barker may not be able to remember her own zip code anymore, and might suffer a bit of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, but what the hell? She is serving her country and helping the economy get well.

Last, we need to immediately pardon all convicted arsonists, freeing them to roam the streets late at night matches in hand. Yes, a few crazy firebugs can do wonders to decrease the supply of homes. they might even be able to partner up with people who are upside down in their mortgages, solving two problems at once!

Yes, dear reader, never hesitate to ask a cab driver for advice, because his ideas are probably why he is driving a taxi in the first place. Next, you can ask me for advice about your marriage!