Banning Baggies in Chi-Town

Long an art form in Chicago politics, Ward 2 Alderman Robert Fioretti brings grandstanding to a new level. The man wants to ban small plastic baggies because they are used in the sale of drugs. If this man is being paid to be an idiot, he should immediately ask for a raise. I contacted his office, and wrote him the following letter.

Sir!

I read with great pleasure in the Chicago Sun Times of Alderman Fioretti's brilliant idea to ban tiny baggies in Chicago since they are used in the procurement and sale of small amounts of illegal drugs. Banning these nefarious baggies will indeed go a long ways toward purging the scourge of drugs from the fine City of Chicago. However, even though the banning of these baggies will heavily dmage drug trafficking, I feel that this ban does not go far enough. I have a bit of knowledge and experience with drug addicts in an out patient treatment setting, and feel that I can offer some suiggestions.

For example, the evil crack cocaine which destroys thousands of lives every year is very often smoked in what can only be described as a crack pipe. A crack pipe is a metal or glassware pipette a fraction of an inch in diameter, and a few inches long. Into the base of this pipe, a tiny bit of metal screening, usually steel or copper wool, is inserted. The crack "rock" is then dropped down the top of the pipe, where it rests upon the steel wool, and then heat from a butane lighter is applied to the bottom of the pipe. The pipe is held with a pair of tongs or pliers to prevent the addict from burning his fingers. As the crack rock heats, it gives off gas which is inhaled by the drug addict, giving him the required high.

Obviously, the constituent parts of these crack pipes pose a threat to the City and should be immediately banned. Since the pipes themselves are glass or metal and usually less than a third of an inch in diameter, Chicago should now require that all pipes of that diameter sold in city limits be made of polystyrene or similar low melting point materials. But this is not enough. Steel and copper wool should also be banned from the city, since it is these things that are used to line the bottom of the crack pipes. At the very least, the manufacturers of Chore Boy, SOS Pads, and Brillo Pads should be the subject of a class action lawsuit by the City. Those big companies with the deep pockets should be made to pay for what they have contributed in the decay of our youth!

Since pliers are used to hold the hot crack pipes, the City should immediately institute a thirty day waiting period on the purchase of all pairs of pliers. Purchasers would be required to show ID, and fill out a back ground check form to prove that they were not a criminal mastermind or an insane person. this would have additional benefits as well, since pliers can be used as a weapon or a torture device.

Before any program is instituted though, one must think through the possible consequences of it. One consequence of banning crack pipes and their constituent components is that crack addicts may resort to other methods to ingest their drug. A popular way of smoking crack that does not involve pipes works like this: A crack rock is placed upon an ordinary spoon, then held very close to the hot burner of an electric stove. As the rock gives off gas, a cardboard tube of the type used in toilet paper rolls is then used to inhale the smoke. It is obvious that we cannot ban toilet paper. The health risks would be too great. However, the City of Chicago CAN and should ration toilet paper. Each Chicago citizen should be given a ration card, and should only be allowed a certain number of rolls per month which could be picked up at city warehouses or compliant retailers. An exchange program would be set up for empty toilet paper tubes. If one did not return all the tubes from his previous allocation, one could not receive any more paper. Only a few people would make that mistake! In addition, the returned rolls would be tested for crack residue to make sure that no one was misuing the rolls. Obviously, one would be required to obtain a city permit in order to give used rolls to hamsters.

Spoons should be required to be made out of plastic within the city limits since they would melt if used in any attempts to smoke crack. Also, all electric stoves need to be banned immediately, and replaced by wood fireplaces.

Other things that we should consider banning or restricting in Chicago include clothing with pockets, since pockets can be used to hide drugs and weapons; cars, since they are used to transport drugs and weapons; and of course electricity since it is used to light crack houses and power the stoves where the crack is smoked.

Thank you so much for your efforts to help rid the city of Chicago from the scourge of drugs! I rest assured that with fine men like you at the helms of government, this country will long remain the land of the free.

Paul the Cab Driver