THE LAST PRESS CONFERENCE
So Scott McClellan has come out with a new tell all book about his days as liar in chief er... press secretary for the Bush Administration. Not long ago, General Petreus testified before Congress about what was going on in Iraq, and columnist pundit and all around curmudgeon Fred Reed proposed some questions he would have liked to ask Herr General. In this same spirit, I imagine myself with press credentials, sitting in Mr. McClellan's book tour press conference. These are the questions I would ask:
More than a million Iraqis have been killed in this war, millions more have been injured, two millions have become expatirate refugees, and another two millions have been turned into internal refugees. With one press conference, you could have derailed the run up to the Iraq war, and prevented all this. Yet you chose to present half truths and falsehoods to the American people instead. Do you think anyone regrets your decision?
What childhood experiences led you to choose a career that enabled you to become a shill for an administration so dedicated to the worship of raw power?
After spending several years as White House Press Secretary, every day stabbing America in the back by telling us half truths and falsehoods, and grossly inflating both our successes in Iraq and the dangers posed by withdrawal, you have now turned around and betrayed the Administration. Does your wife trust you? Does she suspect you will betray her trust as well?
Speaking of your family, do your children talk to you? Do your parents?
When you enter a restaurant, do the respectable patrons leave when they see you?
How would you compare yourself to Joseph Goebbels, the Nazi Propaganda Minister?
When you are in a shopping mall or at an airport, and you see a young man in a wheelchair, do you feel a twinge of guilt?
You deliberately covered up your involvement in the Valerie Plame affair. What does she think of you? Does she expect an apology, and if you gave one do you think she would accept it?
Can you explain to me why you should not be in prison right now?
Since several prominent members of the Bush Administration have been indicted in Europe for war crimes, do you worry about traveling abroad?
The 1991 Gulf War only killed 91 Americans, while more that 4,000 American troops have been killed in this current war. Do you think this conclusively proves that George W. Bush's penis IS larger than his father's?
There are so many people who cannot make it out to Borders Books, because they are stuck in wheel chairs, or bed bound, or find it difficult to get around with a colostomy bag. Would you care to do a book signing at the Veteran's Administration hospital?
Have you been to Mass recently? If so, did the Holy Water burn your skin?
* * *
I called up the Alan Colmes radio show last night, which I get on my XM receiver. When I got to talk to Alan, I told him that if I had a chance to ask Scott McClellan one question, it would be that first one I proposed. Alan said that I was very angry .
Very angry? That does not begin to describe how furious I am with this administration and its duplicitous conduct, lies and murders. And Scott McClellan, Ari Fleischer, and Tony Snow are right at the top of my list of people to despise since they enabled it.
The very first documented victim of the war was a taxi driver from Jordan who was working in Bahgdad when the first wave of "Shock and Awe" began. He stopped to use a pay phone outside the Ministry of Justice, and a missile blew him to pieces. Should I be angry about that?
The book Generation Kill tells the tale of an Iraqi family whose car was shot up by Americans on patrol. It tells how an American GI pulled from the car the lifeless body of a three year old girl whose brains had been blown out by American machine gun fire. How the GI handed the tiny body to her father, and how her father wept bitterly. Should I be angry at that?
I think a better question is why aren't you very angry at that, Alan?
When I compared the Bush administration to the Hitler administration, Alan claims that I went too far; there was no comparison. He may have a point. After all, Hitler was a brilliant man. Rather, we should compare Bush to another US president--Ulysses S. Grant. Grant, a drunken sot and pathetic excuse for a man (just like W) had the US cavalry wage unrestricted warfare against the plains Indians because the tribesmen armed with sticks and rocks posed a "threat" to our way of life. Don't remember who Grant was? Well, pull a fifty dollar bill out of your pocket, and look at it. His face is there.
What's that? You don't HAVE fifty dollars? Gee, I wonder why? Maybe that's something else I just shouldn't be angry about.
I do have one more question for the former Press Secretary, though: "Mr. McClellan, why don't you go fuck yourself?"
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Sunday, May 25, 2008
We planned it all out together, Troy and I so we would not miss his flight out. Troy is my oldest biological son (as opposed to Junior, who is my oldest son, but is adopted. He started out as a foster kid of ours, along with his four brothers and sisters, but that is a different story for a different post.). He is 18 years old now, and has just finished up his first year at Northern Arizona University where he is majoring in journalism. I started out with a journalism major, too, but switched to beer research as soon as I turned 21, but that is a story for a different post. He spent the first couple of days after school ended couch surfing at our house, but had plans to visit my parents in New Hampshire over the summertime.
My brother got him a summertime job and bought his airplane tickets from his frequent flier account. Thank you brother. Anyway, Troy never told me the real reason he is going to New Hampshire for a summer. Crazy maybe? Wanted to see how his father really lived when he was young? Curiosity? I'll ask him some day.
We got to the airport about an hour early for his flight. TSA says we should arrive two hours early, but this is never necessary at Sky Harbor Even when they murder someone, TSA seems to be able to get flights out of Phoenix on time. One hour is plenty. We checked his bag, and made sure that nothing expensive was left in his checked baggage. There is a reason why some cynics have said that TSA stands for Thieves who Steal Anything. After the check, we went upstairs to hang out on the main concourse before Troy got on his flight. We looked at the airplane hanging from the ceiling. We used the automatic paging machine to page an imaginary character from a book Troy had read. And we chatted about nothing in particular as our final half hour together dwindled away to nothing. At last, it was time for good-bye, and he got in line with the handful of other people waiting to be patted down by the bored thugs at the security line. I went out and got back into the taxi.
On the way out of the airport, a strange feeling of loss came over me. I texted him that I missed him already, and it was true. Even when he left for college last summer, I didn't feel this way. There was that sort of empty feeling in the pit of my stomach, and a sense of certain finality, that at long last this kid's childhood was over, and he was no longer a kid. I get the sense that when he comes back, he will still be my son, but different in a grown up sort of way.
I glanced at the Ford's dashboard, and reality intruded on me. The little yellow "low fuel" light had come on. Unless I got gas quickly, I would end up walking. So, I exited the airport on the east side. The gas stations are a little closer there, and, as anyone can tell from my gut, I am allergic to exercise. The first gas station's price was too high. $3.85 per gallon is a bit steep. Yes, I know that is low compared to other areas of the country, but around here you can still get it for $3.67 if you look hard. The next gas station was a bit cheaper, so I nosed the cab into the station. there were no cars at the pumps, and I quickly noticed why. The station was out of gas completely. As I headed out to a third station, I began to wonder if this were a stupid manager's mistake, or a harbinger of things to come.
Anyone with a lick of sense knows that the real reason gasoline is so high is threefold: Increased demand from developing countries, the "war premium" of higher oil prices caused by the idiocy going on in the Middle East. But primarily the drop in the value of the dollar, again, due to the war and the profligate spending of this administration. I wondered if things would get worse in the Middle East, and if the rocket scientists in DC would need a draft to pull off their world improvement plans.
Let us hope not. But if they do, let it be known that my sons will not be playing along. I will not let my child join the armed forces of the United States government, and will do anything possible to keep the blood soaked hands of George Bush and company off of my son's life.
You see, one of my regular customers is a Viet Nam vet who was exposed to agent orange. After years of denials for treatment, the government is finally giving him the medical care he needs. But his body is a wreck. And getting decent service from the VA is like pulling teeth.
And my closest personal friend in the whole wide world now sleeps with thousands of other victims of government, veterans all, in the Phoenix Memorial Park. While I lived with my best friend Skip, he was plagued by nightmares, and would wake up four times a week screaming. He tried everything, but nothing would make the demons leave.
Then there are the folks I have picked up from time to time at the VA hospital. Men without legs, men without eyes, men without arms, men without minds.
Sorry George. I had a hard enough time seeing my son off into adulthood. I will not tolerate seeing him being dragged into veteranhood. My son is not coming back from a useless foreign war with half a body or half a mind. My son will never experience the thousand yard stare or the terrors of PTSD.
My son will never be a Memorial Day memory.
My brother got him a summertime job and bought his airplane tickets from his frequent flier account. Thank you brother. Anyway, Troy never told me the real reason he is going to New Hampshire for a summer. Crazy maybe? Wanted to see how his father really lived when he was young? Curiosity? I'll ask him some day.
We got to the airport about an hour early for his flight. TSA says we should arrive two hours early, but this is never necessary at Sky Harbor Even when they murder someone, TSA seems to be able to get flights out of Phoenix on time. One hour is plenty. We checked his bag, and made sure that nothing expensive was left in his checked baggage. There is a reason why some cynics have said that TSA stands for Thieves who Steal Anything. After the check, we went upstairs to hang out on the main concourse before Troy got on his flight. We looked at the airplane hanging from the ceiling. We used the automatic paging machine to page an imaginary character from a book Troy had read. And we chatted about nothing in particular as our final half hour together dwindled away to nothing. At last, it was time for good-bye, and he got in line with the handful of other people waiting to be patted down by the bored thugs at the security line. I went out and got back into the taxi.
On the way out of the airport, a strange feeling of loss came over me. I texted him that I missed him already, and it was true. Even when he left for college last summer, I didn't feel this way. There was that sort of empty feeling in the pit of my stomach, and a sense of certain finality, that at long last this kid's childhood was over, and he was no longer a kid. I get the sense that when he comes back, he will still be my son, but different in a grown up sort of way.
I glanced at the Ford's dashboard, and reality intruded on me. The little yellow "low fuel" light had come on. Unless I got gas quickly, I would end up walking. So, I exited the airport on the east side. The gas stations are a little closer there, and, as anyone can tell from my gut, I am allergic to exercise. The first gas station's price was too high. $3.85 per gallon is a bit steep. Yes, I know that is low compared to other areas of the country, but around here you can still get it for $3.67 if you look hard. The next gas station was a bit cheaper, so I nosed the cab into the station. there were no cars at the pumps, and I quickly noticed why. The station was out of gas completely. As I headed out to a third station, I began to wonder if this were a stupid manager's mistake, or a harbinger of things to come.
Anyone with a lick of sense knows that the real reason gasoline is so high is threefold: Increased demand from developing countries, the "war premium" of higher oil prices caused by the idiocy going on in the Middle East. But primarily the drop in the value of the dollar, again, due to the war and the profligate spending of this administration. I wondered if things would get worse in the Middle East, and if the rocket scientists in DC would need a draft to pull off their world improvement plans.
Let us hope not. But if they do, let it be known that my sons will not be playing along. I will not let my child join the armed forces of the United States government, and will do anything possible to keep the blood soaked hands of George Bush and company off of my son's life.
You see, one of my regular customers is a Viet Nam vet who was exposed to agent orange. After years of denials for treatment, the government is finally giving him the medical care he needs. But his body is a wreck. And getting decent service from the VA is like pulling teeth.
And my closest personal friend in the whole wide world now sleeps with thousands of other victims of government, veterans all, in the Phoenix Memorial Park. While I lived with my best friend Skip, he was plagued by nightmares, and would wake up four times a week screaming. He tried everything, but nothing would make the demons leave.
Then there are the folks I have picked up from time to time at the VA hospital. Men without legs, men without eyes, men without arms, men without minds.
Sorry George. I had a hard enough time seeing my son off into adulthood. I will not tolerate seeing him being dragged into veteranhood. My son is not coming back from a useless foreign war with half a body or half a mind. My son will never experience the thousand yard stare or the terrors of PTSD.
My son will never be a Memorial Day memory.
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Improving Memorial Day
Yes, folks, it is Memorial day weekend. Time of fun and outdoorsy stuff and a random Monday off work and all that. Its time to go down the store and buy some expensive parts of dead ruminant animals, bring them home, and throw them over an open fire until they are nice and cooked, then cut them into little bits, and enjoy them with some nice potato salad which your brother in law hopefully did not leave out in the sun. Like last year. Yes, take a day to have too many beers, and throw each other in the swimming pool. Empty your pockets of ipods and cell phones, first, please. Then, after a fine day of fun and sun and swimming and beer, fall into bed exhausted, fool around with the old lady for a few minutes (or, as my wife prefers to call herself, the Young Porn Star), then get up in the morning to go to work with a hangover.
But aren't we forgetting the true meaning of Memorial Day? (No, not the Indianapolis 500).
Memorial Day was founded in 1866 to honor the dead of the American Civil War (also known by its more appropriate name, the War of Yankee Aggression), in Waterloo, New York, by the Sons of Union and Confederate Warriors And Descendants (SUC-WAD). People were to go to various grave sites and decorate them with flowers and little flags. (As an aside, if you are ever in trouble with your lady, and need flowers, because you did something really stupid like anything your brother-in-law suggested, ever, think "cemetery". Free flowers, anytime. Save you $20!).
This holiday was to honor the heroic, Christian dead who, heroically following the words of Christ to love your neighbor, heroically shot, cannoned, and bludgeoned their neighbors to death. Not to mention stabbed, burned, strangled, and blew up. Did I mention that chaplains on both sides said prayers of blessings over the troops before they were sent off to battle? Of course, these men were only following the orders of the criminal gangs (AKA "governments") ruling their respective territories. And after all, doesn't the Good Book say "obey the powers that be"? (Please pay no attention to the fact that this admonition was given by a man who was under arrest at the time he wrote it for disobeying the powers that be.)
But Memorial Day has become passe. Too many people look at it as an extra day off, or an excuse to discount their already low prices on pick up trucks. So I suggest a few changes and some new holidays.
First, I propose that we move Memorial Day back to its original day of May 30. Only, this time, we rename it. Since it really makes no sense to honor those who volunteered to kill for their government, (they already got their reward), this time we give it a name that remembers only those soldiers who died in war, but didn't volunteer to do so. We'll call it Victim of the Draft Day. We will honor those who, faced with the choice between the army or prison, chose the army. You know the guys. They are the ones who, unlike George W Bush couldn't pull strings to get into the air national guard; those ones who, unlike Dick Cheney, didn't have "other priorities"; or the ones who unlike Rush Limbaugh, couldn't develop anal cysts just in time to avoid combat. These are the ones we really should honor. You know; the ones who wake up screaming in the middle of the night from PTSD related nightmares. The ones down at the VA hospital who are made to wait for hours to be given shoddy service. The ones who have had eyes blinded, and limbs ripped off, because they just couldn't seem to score high enough on their SATs to get into college like Bill Clinton.
Since the veterans have one holiday already, we need to change Veterans Day. Veteran's Day started out as Armistice Day, a day to celebrate the end of World War One, and the onset of peace. Over the years, this gradually morphed into a celebration of veterans in general, and their "service" to the United States. But as I have shown, these men weren't serving their country so much as being forced into slavery by its government. Change number two will be to return Veterans Day back to Armistice Day, and renew a celebration of the onset of peace, rather than honoring war.
Now for the holidays I'd like to add. First, I'd like to add "Citizen's Memorial Day" on August 6. This was the day when, in 1945, the United States government, headed by Harry S. Truman, deliberately bombed the city of Hiroshima, Japan, incinerating tens of thousands, burning hundreds of thousands more, and wrecking an ancient and historic city. He did this despite misgivings and outright opposition by much of his military staff. The whole thing was unnecessary and constituted one of the most shameful moments in American history. Citizens Memorial Day will be held each year to honor the civilians that have paid the ultimate price for government. We will honor the memories of, and decorate the graves of those innocents who have perished to keep our government safe.
The second holiday I would add is called Imperialism Awareness Day. On this day we will remember the imperialistic tendancies of both the government and the big businesses that finance it to engage in expansionism, always with the excuse of "protecting Americans" usually with the real reason being expanding or protecting big business interests. I could not decide whether the date should be April 11, which is when, in 1898, the United States declared war on Spain for no good reason, or April 6 which was when, in 1917, the United States entered World War One for the idiotic purpose of making the world safe for democracy by restoring the imperial government of Britain, and protecting the tyranny of the czar of Russia. Finally, I decided on January 14. This is the date when, in 1897, the Safety Commitee, a group of American sugar barons, overthrew the Hawaiian queen's government. It was the first real international instance of yankee imperialism, and it led directly to Hawaii becoming first a territory, then a military base, then a state. Besides, the two dates in April are too close to the next holiday I would like to establish.
April 15. This day when we traditionally pay our taxes will be made into an official holiday called Paying for Folly Day. We celebrate it by sending large chunks of our income to Washington DC so the fools there can make more enemies for us, giving us an excuse to maintain the most expensive army in the history of the globe.
Of course, all this imperialism and warfare would quickly come to a stop if we were to do one thing: Keep tax day April 15, and move election day to April 16.
But aren't we forgetting the true meaning of Memorial Day? (No, not the Indianapolis 500).
Memorial Day was founded in 1866 to honor the dead of the American Civil War (also known by its more appropriate name, the War of Yankee Aggression), in Waterloo, New York, by the Sons of Union and Confederate Warriors And Descendants (SUC-WAD). People were to go to various grave sites and decorate them with flowers and little flags. (As an aside, if you are ever in trouble with your lady, and need flowers, because you did something really stupid like anything your brother-in-law suggested, ever, think "cemetery". Free flowers, anytime. Save you $20!).
This holiday was to honor the heroic, Christian dead who, heroically following the words of Christ to love your neighbor, heroically shot, cannoned, and bludgeoned their neighbors to death. Not to mention stabbed, burned, strangled, and blew up. Did I mention that chaplains on both sides said prayers of blessings over the troops before they were sent off to battle? Of course, these men were only following the orders of the criminal gangs (AKA "governments") ruling their respective territories. And after all, doesn't the Good Book say "obey the powers that be"? (Please pay no attention to the fact that this admonition was given by a man who was under arrest at the time he wrote it for disobeying the powers that be.)
But Memorial Day has become passe. Too many people look at it as an extra day off, or an excuse to discount their already low prices on pick up trucks. So I suggest a few changes and some new holidays.
First, I propose that we move Memorial Day back to its original day of May 30. Only, this time, we rename it. Since it really makes no sense to honor those who volunteered to kill for their government, (they already got their reward), this time we give it a name that remembers only those soldiers who died in war, but didn't volunteer to do so. We'll call it Victim of the Draft Day. We will honor those who, faced with the choice between the army or prison, chose the army. You know the guys. They are the ones who, unlike George W Bush couldn't pull strings to get into the air national guard; those ones who, unlike Dick Cheney, didn't have "other priorities"; or the ones who unlike Rush Limbaugh, couldn't develop anal cysts just in time to avoid combat. These are the ones we really should honor. You know; the ones who wake up screaming in the middle of the night from PTSD related nightmares. The ones down at the VA hospital who are made to wait for hours to be given shoddy service. The ones who have had eyes blinded, and limbs ripped off, because they just couldn't seem to score high enough on their SATs to get into college like Bill Clinton.
Since the veterans have one holiday already, we need to change Veterans Day. Veteran's Day started out as Armistice Day, a day to celebrate the end of World War One, and the onset of peace. Over the years, this gradually morphed into a celebration of veterans in general, and their "service" to the United States. But as I have shown, these men weren't serving their country so much as being forced into slavery by its government. Change number two will be to return Veterans Day back to Armistice Day, and renew a celebration of the onset of peace, rather than honoring war.
Now for the holidays I'd like to add. First, I'd like to add "Citizen's Memorial Day" on August 6. This was the day when, in 1945, the United States government, headed by Harry S. Truman, deliberately bombed the city of Hiroshima, Japan, incinerating tens of thousands, burning hundreds of thousands more, and wrecking an ancient and historic city. He did this despite misgivings and outright opposition by much of his military staff. The whole thing was unnecessary and constituted one of the most shameful moments in American history. Citizens Memorial Day will be held each year to honor the civilians that have paid the ultimate price for government. We will honor the memories of, and decorate the graves of those innocents who have perished to keep our government safe.
The second holiday I would add is called Imperialism Awareness Day. On this day we will remember the imperialistic tendancies of both the government and the big businesses that finance it to engage in expansionism, always with the excuse of "protecting Americans" usually with the real reason being expanding or protecting big business interests. I could not decide whether the date should be April 11, which is when, in 1898, the United States declared war on Spain for no good reason, or April 6 which was when, in 1917, the United States entered World War One for the idiotic purpose of making the world safe for democracy by restoring the imperial government of Britain, and protecting the tyranny of the czar of Russia. Finally, I decided on January 14. This is the date when, in 1897, the Safety Commitee, a group of American sugar barons, overthrew the Hawaiian queen's government. It was the first real international instance of yankee imperialism, and it led directly to Hawaii becoming first a territory, then a military base, then a state. Besides, the two dates in April are too close to the next holiday I would like to establish.
April 15. This day when we traditionally pay our taxes will be made into an official holiday called Paying for Folly Day. We celebrate it by sending large chunks of our income to Washington DC so the fools there can make more enemies for us, giving us an excuse to maintain the most expensive army in the history of the globe.
Of course, all this imperialism and warfare would quickly come to a stop if we were to do one thing: Keep tax day April 15, and move election day to April 16.
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Okay here is a photo blog of stuff you will see if you visit Phoenix. A lot of them were taken with my Kodak digital camera, while a few were taken with my Blackberry. Which explains some of the lack of picture quality. But I hope you enjoy them anyway.
Ernst and Young building, downtown with construction for idiotic light rail project
The fountain between the office buildings at 2929 N. Central, Phoenix
The Gateway Building, 44th Street and Van Buren, Phoenix. One of my favorite buildings in Phoenix.
2394 E. Camelback Rd. Phoenix
City Hall, Phoenix. Lair of the beasts. Well, one pack of them anyway.
The boulders at The Boulders Resort, North Scottsdale
The old biplane hanging from the ceiling in terminal 3 at Sky Harbor Airport, Phoenix
The Arizona Center as seen from 5th Ave. just north of Van Buren Street, Phoenix
I'll post some more photos later. but right now I have to dash off to pick up a passenger.
Ernst and Young building, downtown with construction for idiotic light rail project
The fountain between the office buildings at 2929 N. Central, Phoenix
The Gateway Building, 44th Street and Van Buren, Phoenix. One of my favorite buildings in Phoenix.
2394 E. Camelback Rd. Phoenix
City Hall, Phoenix. Lair of the beasts. Well, one pack of them anyway.
The boulders at The Boulders Resort, North Scottsdale
The old biplane hanging from the ceiling in terminal 3 at Sky Harbor Airport, Phoenix
The Arizona Center as seen from 5th Ave. just north of Van Buren Street, PhoenixI'll post some more photos later. but right now I have to dash off to pick up a passenger.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Why Governor Spitzer is an Idiot
AND WHY CHEAP HOOKERS ARE BETTER THAN CALL GIRLS
Governor Spitzer of New York this week got his privates in a vice because he was caught using the services of a high priced call girl ring. Yes it's immoral. Yes it sets a bad example for the kids of New York. Yes it hurt his wife and embarrassed his daughters. Yes, it is a sin and he is going to burn in Hell. Yes he was a New York State Attorney who prosecuted victimless crimes like the one he was caught at. I know all that. Every pundit on earth is telling you that. I am here to tell you why, given his lack of restraint, he made a really stupid choice. He should have gone with a cheap hooker that any cab driver could have helped him find.
First, cheap hookers are cheaper. He paid some $4300 for what he could have gotten for $200. That is stupid. Furthermore, its traceable, which is doubly stupid. The FBI noticed his withdrawals. These withdrawals were set up deliberately so as to not attract attention, so naturally they did attract attention. Now, he is being charged with a species of money laundering known as "structuring". On the other hand, nobody traces $200 ATM withdrawals.
Second, cheap hookers keep no records. Half the cheap hookers I know can't even write their own names. And why on earth would they want to remember your brother in law? So no records are kept. No records means no allegations that this has been an ongoing criminal enterprise.
Third, cheap hookers don't watch the news. Any of it. At all. Which means they would never have seen the good governor's face before. Or if they did, they would have had a hard time putting name and face together. A good meth addled hooker would most likely say something like "Hey, didn't I see you on TV one time? You were the guy on that show. And all the other guys in suits were asking him questions and stuff?" See? Ignorant is better.
Fourth, is plausible deniability. This key phrase is the most important reason why famous people should always choose a cheap hooker. No one will ever believe that you were with her. No one will ever believe her when she says she was with you."What makes you think I would be seen in the area code with a fifty dollar whore? Why, I'm the governor of New York! If I wanted a call girl, I could afford a $5,000 per hour one!"
Cheap hookers are better.
It's not like an expensive call girl is going to do anything radically different. Or even look radically better. And in the dark, everyone becomes a porn star.
There is only one place for an arrogant man who wastes money, thinks he won't get caught, and thinks a TV apology will make everything all better.
Elliot Spitzer for President.
Governor Spitzer of New York this week got his privates in a vice because he was caught using the services of a high priced call girl ring. Yes it's immoral. Yes it sets a bad example for the kids of New York. Yes it hurt his wife and embarrassed his daughters. Yes, it is a sin and he is going to burn in Hell. Yes he was a New York State Attorney who prosecuted victimless crimes like the one he was caught at. I know all that. Every pundit on earth is telling you that. I am here to tell you why, given his lack of restraint, he made a really stupid choice. He should have gone with a cheap hooker that any cab driver could have helped him find.
First, cheap hookers are cheaper. He paid some $4300 for what he could have gotten for $200. That is stupid. Furthermore, its traceable, which is doubly stupid. The FBI noticed his withdrawals. These withdrawals were set up deliberately so as to not attract attention, so naturally they did attract attention. Now, he is being charged with a species of money laundering known as "structuring". On the other hand, nobody traces $200 ATM withdrawals.
Second, cheap hookers keep no records. Half the cheap hookers I know can't even write their own names. And why on earth would they want to remember your brother in law? So no records are kept. No records means no allegations that this has been an ongoing criminal enterprise.
Third, cheap hookers don't watch the news. Any of it. At all. Which means they would never have seen the good governor's face before. Or if they did, they would have had a hard time putting name and face together. A good meth addled hooker would most likely say something like "Hey, didn't I see you on TV one time? You were the guy on that show. And all the other guys in suits were asking him questions and stuff?" See? Ignorant is better.
Fourth, is plausible deniability. This key phrase is the most important reason why famous people should always choose a cheap hooker. No one will ever believe that you were with her. No one will ever believe her when she says she was with you."What makes you think I would be seen in the area code with a fifty dollar whore? Why, I'm the governor of New York! If I wanted a call girl, I could afford a $5,000 per hour one!"
Cheap hookers are better.
It's not like an expensive call girl is going to do anything radically different. Or even look radically better. And in the dark, everyone becomes a porn star.
There is only one place for an arrogant man who wastes money, thinks he won't get caught, and thinks a TV apology will make everything all better.
Elliot Spitzer for President.
Saturday, March 8, 2008
Saving the Planet from Mortgage Death
A BRILLIANT SERIES OF SOLUTIONS TO THE WHOLE SUB-PRIME MESS (NO REALLY)
As anyone with eyeballs knows, the whole "subprime" mortgage mess is causing the entire US economy to collapse into the heap of worthless paper it was made out of. The problem is quite simple. Mortgage companies were taking vast sums of cash, and loaning it to people like your brother in law. These loans, were used to buy over priced houses. And, like your brother in law, the borrowers suddenly found they were in way over their heads because they either a) didn't read the terms of the mortgage, or b) lied about their income to get the loan, or c) are stupider than a turnip. My bet is c. Most Americans are incredibly stupid. Witness the popularity of Jerry Springer, and the re-election of George W Bush.
One of the results of this mess is a sudden glut in housing. Some areas are reporting that they have so many houses available, that they are actually using them as wildlife preserves.
Never fear! Paul the Cab Driver to the rescue! The solution to any glut is to increase demand and decrease the supply. so here is my proposal.
First, in order to increase demand we need more people who need houses here in the good old USA. To that end, I suggest that we immediately open the borders to anyone who wants to cross and get a job. The influx of people will immediately create a demand for houses, helping to sponge up the excess supply. Changing the immigration laws to make it incredibly easy to become a citizen would really help in this. Personally, I think it should be a lot easier to become a citizen than it is to become a borrower. In fact, people should be able to play as fast and loose with the truth on their citizenship applications as they were allowed to on their mortgage applications.
But we can also decrease the supply of houses. In this regard, Mother Nature can be a big help. Every spring we turn on the TV set and see these entire trailer parks that are blown to smithereens by tornadoes. And every spring we see Ma Barker live on TV crying about how everything she and her family owned is now scattered across the prairie. Well, not to worry! We simply let her take her insurance check (which the government is probably giving her anyway) and move her to Florida to take over some bankrupt property there. Then, in the summer when Ma Barker's new homestead is flattened by a hurricane, we move her to another foreclosure property in California just in time for the late fall fires, and early spring mud slides! Ma Barker may not be able to remember her own zip code anymore, and might suffer a bit of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, but what the hell? She is serving her country and helping the economy get well.
Last, we need to immediately pardon all convicted arsonists, freeing them to roam the streets late at night matches in hand. Yes, a few crazy firebugs can do wonders to decrease the supply of homes. they might even be able to partner up with people who are upside down in their mortgages, solving two problems at once!
Yes, dear reader, never hesitate to ask a cab driver for advice, because his ideas are probably why he is driving a taxi in the first place. Next, you can ask me for advice about your marriage!
As anyone with eyeballs knows, the whole "subprime" mortgage mess is causing the entire US economy to collapse into the heap of worthless paper it was made out of. The problem is quite simple. Mortgage companies were taking vast sums of cash, and loaning it to people like your brother in law. These loans, were used to buy over priced houses. And, like your brother in law, the borrowers suddenly found they were in way over their heads because they either a) didn't read the terms of the mortgage, or b) lied about their income to get the loan, or c) are stupider than a turnip. My bet is c. Most Americans are incredibly stupid. Witness the popularity of Jerry Springer, and the re-election of George W Bush.
One of the results of this mess is a sudden glut in housing. Some areas are reporting that they have so many houses available, that they are actually using them as wildlife preserves.
Never fear! Paul the Cab Driver to the rescue! The solution to any glut is to increase demand and decrease the supply. so here is my proposal.
First, in order to increase demand we need more people who need houses here in the good old USA. To that end, I suggest that we immediately open the borders to anyone who wants to cross and get a job. The influx of people will immediately create a demand for houses, helping to sponge up the excess supply. Changing the immigration laws to make it incredibly easy to become a citizen would really help in this. Personally, I think it should be a lot easier to become a citizen than it is to become a borrower. In fact, people should be able to play as fast and loose with the truth on their citizenship applications as they were allowed to on their mortgage applications.
But we can also decrease the supply of houses. In this regard, Mother Nature can be a big help. Every spring we turn on the TV set and see these entire trailer parks that are blown to smithereens by tornadoes. And every spring we see Ma Barker live on TV crying about how everything she and her family owned is now scattered across the prairie. Well, not to worry! We simply let her take her insurance check (which the government is probably giving her anyway) and move her to Florida to take over some bankrupt property there. Then, in the summer when Ma Barker's new homestead is flattened by a hurricane, we move her to another foreclosure property in California just in time for the late fall fires, and early spring mud slides! Ma Barker may not be able to remember her own zip code anymore, and might suffer a bit of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, but what the hell? She is serving her country and helping the economy get well.
Last, we need to immediately pardon all convicted arsonists, freeing them to roam the streets late at night matches in hand. Yes, a few crazy firebugs can do wonders to decrease the supply of homes. they might even be able to partner up with people who are upside down in their mortgages, solving two problems at once!
Yes, dear reader, never hesitate to ask a cab driver for advice, because his ideas are probably why he is driving a taxi in the first place. Next, you can ask me for advice about your marriage!
Thursday, March 6, 2008
Banning Baggies in Chi-Town
Long an art form in Chicago politics, Ward 2 Alderman Robert Fioretti brings grandstanding to a new level. The man wants to ban small plastic baggies because they are used in the sale of drugs. If this man is being paid to be an idiot, he should immediately ask for a raise. I contacted his office, and wrote him the following letter.
Sir!
I read with great pleasure in the Chicago Sun Times of Alderman Fioretti's brilliant idea to ban tiny baggies in Chicago since they are used in the procurement and sale of small amounts of illegal drugs. Banning these nefarious baggies will indeed go a long ways toward purging the scourge of drugs from the fine City of Chicago. However, even though the banning of these baggies will heavily dmage drug trafficking, I feel that this ban does not go far enough. I have a bit of knowledge and experience with drug addicts in an out patient treatment setting, and feel that I can offer some suiggestions.
For example, the evil crack cocaine which destroys thousands of lives every year is very often smoked in what can only be described as a crack pipe. A crack pipe is a metal or glassware pipette a fraction of an inch in diameter, and a few inches long. Into the base of this pipe, a tiny bit of metal screening, usually steel or copper wool, is inserted. The crack "rock" is then dropped down the top of the pipe, where it rests upon the steel wool, and then heat from a butane lighter is applied to the bottom of the pipe. The pipe is held with a pair of tongs or pliers to prevent the addict from burning his fingers. As the crack rock heats, it gives off gas which is inhaled by the drug addict, giving him the required high.
Obviously, the constituent parts of these crack pipes pose a threat to the City and should be immediately banned. Since the pipes themselves are glass or metal and usually less than a third of an inch in diameter, Chicago should now require that all pipes of that diameter sold in city limits be made of polystyrene or similar low melting point materials. But this is not enough. Steel and copper wool should also be banned from the city, since it is these things that are used to line the bottom of the crack pipes. At the very least, the manufacturers of Chore Boy, SOS Pads, and Brillo Pads should be the subject of a class action lawsuit by the City. Those big companies with the deep pockets should be made to pay for what they have contributed in the decay of our youth!
Since pliers are used to hold the hot crack pipes, the City should immediately institute a thirty day waiting period on the purchase of all pairs of pliers. Purchasers would be required to show ID, and fill out a back ground check form to prove that they were not a criminal mastermind or an insane person. this would have additional benefits as well, since pliers can be used as a weapon or a torture device.
Before any program is instituted though, one must think through the possible consequences of it. One consequence of banning crack pipes and their constituent components is that crack addicts may resort to other methods to ingest their drug. A popular way of smoking crack that does not involve pipes works like this: A crack rock is placed upon an ordinary spoon, then held very close to the hot burner of an electric stove. As the rock gives off gas, a cardboard tube of the type used in toilet paper rolls is then used to inhale the smoke. It is obvious that we cannot ban toilet paper. The health risks would be too great. However, the City of Chicago CAN and should ration toilet paper. Each Chicago citizen should be given a ration card, and should only be allowed a certain number of rolls per month which could be picked up at city warehouses or compliant retailers. An exchange program would be set up for empty toilet paper tubes. If one did not return all the tubes from his previous allocation, one could not receive any more paper. Only a few people would make that mistake! In addition, the returned rolls would be tested for crack residue to make sure that no one was misuing the rolls. Obviously, one would be required to obtain a city permit in order to give used rolls to hamsters.
Spoons should be required to be made out of plastic within the city limits since they would melt if used in any attempts to smoke crack. Also, all electric stoves need to be banned immediately, and replaced by wood fireplaces.
Other things that we should consider banning or restricting in Chicago include clothing with pockets, since pockets can be used to hide drugs and weapons; cars, since they are used to transport drugs and weapons; and of course electricity since it is used to light crack houses and power the stoves where the crack is smoked.
Thank you so much for your efforts to help rid the city of Chicago from the scourge of drugs! I rest assured that with fine men like you at the helms of government, this country will long remain the land of the free.
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