Why Governor Spitzer is an Idiot

AND WHY CHEAP HOOKERS ARE BETTER THAN CALL GIRLS

Governor Spitzer of New York this week got his privates in a vice because he was caught using the services of a high priced call girl ring. Yes it's immoral. Yes it sets a bad example for the kids of New York. Yes it hurt his wife and embarrassed his daughters. Yes, it is a sin and he is going to burn in Hell. Yes he was a New York State Attorney who prosecuted victimless crimes like the one he was caught at. I know all that. Every pundit on earth is telling you that. I am here to tell you why, given his lack of restraint, he made a really stupid choice. He should have gone with a cheap hooker that any cab driver could have helped him find.

First, cheap hookers are cheaper. He paid some $4300 for what he could have gotten for $200. That is stupid. Furthermore, its traceable, which is doubly stupid. The FBI noticed his withdrawals. These withdrawals were set up deliberately so as to not attract attention, so naturally they did attract attention. Now, he is being charged with a species of money laundering known as "structuring". On the other hand, nobody traces $200 ATM withdrawals.

Second, cheap hookers keep no records. Half the cheap hookers I know can't even write their own names. And why on earth would they want to remember your brother in law? So no records are kept. No records means no allegations that this has been an ongoing criminal enterprise.

Third, cheap hookers don't watch the news. Any of it. At all. Which means they would never have seen the good governor's face before. Or if they did, they would have had a hard time putting name and face together. A good meth addled hooker would most likely say something like "Hey, didn't I see you on TV one time? You were the guy on that show. And all the other guys in suits were asking him questions and stuff?" See? Ignorant is better.

Fourth, is plausible deniability. This key phrase is the most important reason why famous people should always choose a cheap hooker. No one will ever believe that you were with her. No one will ever believe her when she says she was with you."What makes you think I would be seen in the area code with a fifty dollar whore? Why, I'm the governor of New York! If I wanted a call girl, I could afford a $5,000 per hour one!"

Cheap hookers are better.

It's not like an expensive call girl is going to do anything radically different. Or even look radically better. And in the dark, everyone becomes a porn star.

There is only one place for an arrogant man who wastes money, thinks he won't get caught, and thinks a TV apology will make everything all better.

Elliot Spitzer for President.

Saving the Planet from Mortgage Death

A BRILLIANT SERIES OF SOLUTIONS TO THE WHOLE SUB-PRIME MESS (NO REALLY)

As anyone with eyeballs knows, the whole "subprime" mortgage mess is causing the entire US economy to collapse into the heap of worthless paper it was made out of. The problem is quite simple. Mortgage companies were taking vast sums of cash, and loaning it to people like your brother in law. These loans, were used to buy over priced houses. And, like your brother in law, the borrowers suddenly found they were in way over their heads because they either a) didn't read the terms of the mortgage, or b) lied about their income to get the loan, or c) are stupider than a turnip. My bet is c. Most Americans are incredibly stupid. Witness the popularity of Jerry Springer, and the re-election of George W Bush.


One of the results of this mess is a sudden glut in housing. Some areas are reporting that they have so many houses available, that they are actually using them as wildlife preserves.


Never fear! Paul the Cab Driver to the rescue! The solution to any glut is to increase demand and decrease the supply. so here is my proposal.

First, in order to increase demand we need more people who need houses here in the good old USA. To that end, I suggest that we immediately open the borders to anyone who wants to cross and get a job. The influx of people will immediately create a demand for houses, helping to sponge up the excess supply. Changing the immigration laws to make it incredibly easy to become a citizen would really help in this. Personally, I think it should be a lot easier to become a citizen than it is to become a borrower. In fact, people should be able to play as fast and loose with the truth on their citizenship applications as they were allowed to on their mortgage applications.


But we can also decrease the supply of houses. In this regard, Mother Nature can be a big help. Every spring we turn on the TV set and see these entire trailer parks that are blown to smithereens by tornadoes. And every spring we see Ma Barker live on TV crying about how everything she and her family owned is now scattered across the prairie. Well, not to worry! We simply let her take her insurance check (which the government is probably giving her anyway) and move her to Florida to take over some bankrupt property there. Then, in the summer when Ma Barker's new homestead is flattened by a hurricane, we move her to another foreclosure property in California just in time for the late fall fires, and early spring mud slides! Ma Barker may not be able to remember her own zip code anymore, and might suffer a bit of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, but what the hell? She is serving her country and helping the economy get well.

Last, we need to immediately pardon all convicted arsonists, freeing them to roam the streets late at night matches in hand. Yes, a few crazy firebugs can do wonders to decrease the supply of homes. they might even be able to partner up with people who are upside down in their mortgages, solving two problems at once!

Yes, dear reader, never hesitate to ask a cab driver for advice, because his ideas are probably why he is driving a taxi in the first place. Next, you can ask me for advice about your marriage!

Banning Baggies in Chi-Town

Long an art form in Chicago politics, Ward 2 Alderman Robert Fioretti brings grandstanding to a new level. The man wants to ban small plastic baggies because they are used in the sale of drugs. If this man is being paid to be an idiot, he should immediately ask for a raise. I contacted his office, and wrote him the following letter.

Sir!

I read with great pleasure in the Chicago Sun Times of Alderman Fioretti's brilliant idea to ban tiny baggies in Chicago since they are used in the procurement and sale of small amounts of illegal drugs. Banning these nefarious baggies will indeed go a long ways toward purging the scourge of drugs from the fine City of Chicago. However, even though the banning of these baggies will heavily dmage drug trafficking, I feel that this ban does not go far enough. I have a bit of knowledge and experience with drug addicts in an out patient treatment setting, and feel that I can offer some suiggestions.

For example, the evil crack cocaine which destroys thousands of lives every year is very often smoked in what can only be described as a crack pipe. A crack pipe is a metal or glassware pipette a fraction of an inch in diameter, and a few inches long. Into the base of this pipe, a tiny bit of metal screening, usually steel or copper wool, is inserted. The crack "rock" is then dropped down the top of the pipe, where it rests upon the steel wool, and then heat from a butane lighter is applied to the bottom of the pipe. The pipe is held with a pair of tongs or pliers to prevent the addict from burning his fingers. As the crack rock heats, it gives off gas which is inhaled by the drug addict, giving him the required high.

Obviously, the constituent parts of these crack pipes pose a threat to the City and should be immediately banned. Since the pipes themselves are glass or metal and usually less than a third of an inch in diameter, Chicago should now require that all pipes of that diameter sold in city limits be made of polystyrene or similar low melting point materials. But this is not enough. Steel and copper wool should also be banned from the city, since it is these things that are used to line the bottom of the crack pipes. At the very least, the manufacturers of Chore Boy, SOS Pads, and Brillo Pads should be the subject of a class action lawsuit by the City. Those big companies with the deep pockets should be made to pay for what they have contributed in the decay of our youth!

Since pliers are used to hold the hot crack pipes, the City should immediately institute a thirty day waiting period on the purchase of all pairs of pliers. Purchasers would be required to show ID, and fill out a back ground check form to prove that they were not a criminal mastermind or an insane person. this would have additional benefits as well, since pliers can be used as a weapon or a torture device.

Before any program is instituted though, one must think through the possible consequences of it. One consequence of banning crack pipes and their constituent components is that crack addicts may resort to other methods to ingest their drug. A popular way of smoking crack that does not involve pipes works like this: A crack rock is placed upon an ordinary spoon, then held very close to the hot burner of an electric stove. As the rock gives off gas, a cardboard tube of the type used in toilet paper rolls is then used to inhale the smoke. It is obvious that we cannot ban toilet paper. The health risks would be too great. However, the City of Chicago CAN and should ration toilet paper. Each Chicago citizen should be given a ration card, and should only be allowed a certain number of rolls per month which could be picked up at city warehouses or compliant retailers. An exchange program would be set up for empty toilet paper tubes. If one did not return all the tubes from his previous allocation, one could not receive any more paper. Only a few people would make that mistake! In addition, the returned rolls would be tested for crack residue to make sure that no one was misuing the rolls. Obviously, one would be required to obtain a city permit in order to give used rolls to hamsters.

Spoons should be required to be made out of plastic within the city limits since they would melt if used in any attempts to smoke crack. Also, all electric stoves need to be banned immediately, and replaced by wood fireplaces.

Other things that we should consider banning or restricting in Chicago include clothing with pockets, since pockets can be used to hide drugs and weapons; cars, since they are used to transport drugs and weapons; and of course electricity since it is used to light crack houses and power the stoves where the crack is smoked.

Thank you so much for your efforts to help rid the city of Chicago from the scourge of drugs! I rest assured that with fine men like you at the helms of government, this country will long remain the land of the free.

Paul the Cab Driver